PianoWow

A Russian man once asked me to send Victoria’s Secret contraband overseas.  The names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent.

I have a friend Irina in Ukraine, who has a friend Ivan in Russia.  Ivan has a girlfriend, Yulia, for whom he wants to buy an exotic gift.  He chooses some perfume and body mist from a foreign boutique.  But there is a problem: Victoria’s Secret’s website only ships within the US.  He knows Irina has a friend in America, and has her translate his desires.

After inquiring a trusted source regarding the legal issues at hand, I agree to ship it to him, if he reimburses me somehow.  He orders the gift himself and ships me the box.  He offers to pay my shipping costs himself, or to send me a Russian souvenir.  I choose the latter.

Days later, an unmarked package arrives at my house.  Victoria’s Secret, wisely, chooses not to place their name on the exterior of their boxes.  But, knowing I am only expecting a box ordered by Ivan, I am suspicious.

I open the box, and true to Ivan’s word, there are three smaller boxes, one for perfume, the other two for body mist, whatever that is.  I feel guilty for the mistrust, noticing the shipping manifest and Victoria’s Secret catalog also included.

I proceed to the post office, where I fill out the customs declaration form.  Immediately, the postman informs me that perfume cannot be shipped Internationally under any circumstances.  Even domestically, it can be shipped only by parcel post.  I am beginning to feel like a criminal.  They explain that because perfume contains alcohol, it is very flammable, and is not allowed on commercial airliners, which are used for all international shipping, for the safety of the passengers aboard.  They agree to send the body mist, and suggest UPS or FedEx for the perfume.  I pay the roughly $20 charge, and head to UPS.

UPS wanted at least $150.  I drive to FedEx, which wanted to charge $115, for shipping a 6 oz bottle (tiny) of perfume!!  The body mist weighed 10 times as much.  I was not about to pay so much.  Furious, and later, guilty, I tell Irina the whole story, who informs Ivan.

Ivan is surprisingly happy.  He got 2 out of 3, not bad.  The 3rd item, now contraband, is left in my hands to dispose of.  An unsuspecting coworker of mine is currently giving the contraband to his girlfriend for Valentine’s Day.

No, really, true story.  I’m still waiting on that souvenir, Ivan!